Photo by: Amber Knowles

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” - Pema Chodron

TRIBECA, NY – Last week, I sat down with my friend Michelle Haimoff to publicly share a secret, which has haunted me. It involves myself, and my work.

I began to pursue wedding photography a few months after I started dating my now ex-girlfriend. Within months, I moved in with her and we became like a common law couple. I was the “married” guy among my single friends. Behind closed doors, my behavior was not always so picturesque. You can listen to this interview on Michelle’s first world feminism blog Gen Fem.

In time spent between my girlfriend and I, my personal aggressions and insecurities manifested as acts of violence. At first, these actions were passive aggressive. However, my actions grew more pronounced and one day I seriously crossed the line. As a man who was raised by women, I was most embarrassed to share my story of domestic violence with my mother and grandmother. For many years, I felt like a phony who was selling an idea that I did not have the courage to believe for myself. I was asking couples to invest in my service as a wedding photographer while simultaneously living in an abusive relationship.

Around this time, my grandmother gave me a CD and book by Pema Chödrön titled No Time to Lose. I was very hesitant to listen to the CD, or read the book – at first. Part of this hesitation certainly came from a place of pride, and immaturity. I did not fully understand that anger and aggression was something I was choosing to hold onto, and keep within myself. I was more comfortable with the idea that my actions were provoked by my ex-girlfriend. Listening to Pema’s speeches helped me to more fully realize my choice to meet conflict with anger.

Working through this experience my passion to explore and document remarkable love stories was born. My vocation as a wedding photographer and documentarian allows me to further work on myself through the service of others. I am grateful for the wisdom, and beauty, of my ex girlfriend. The lessons I learned from our previous relationship have offered me such insight into my inner-most sorrows, and joys. I am thankful to Michelle Haimoff, as a friend and professional, for encouraging me to share this story.